Sept. 30 2011

Things are happening to me... I don't know where to begin. Lets see.

First off, I'm on my last week of internship with Urban Corps. It's hard work but I learned more here(And taught more to others) then I have ever done anywhere else... I will miss that place. There was never a dull moment. Between female students trying to converse with me at lunch and the old ladies trying to get me to crawl under their desk, there's never a dull moment.

I was talking with a friend the other day... we talked about her engagement and she invited me to anchorage for the wedding. Crazy how she knows me well enough to know how I'm doing without asking... after I talked with he about stuff, she told me to hang in there. She gave me a virtual hug and told me of all those good qualities that I guess I have. It's been so long since someone has said anything nice to me in regards to my work, ethics, what I do or who I am. Lately, life has been casting a dark shadow over me like it did in the dark years I lived quite some time ago. Nowadays, it seems people compare me. Like for example, Most girls I've dated had either compared me to others in their lives, abused me or just used me in some way. Most of my friends rarely comment on my abilities or who I am. I feel like I simply just exist to them. Don't get me wrong... I don't like the spotlight... but it's nice to be appreciated slightly by your friends and loved ones.

Something that has never happened to me happened and today I decided to record it so I wouldn't forget it... Well, I was on the trolley on the way home from work. I was sitting down and noticed and older woman in her, 70's maybe, was there standing and her daughter was attending to her. I decided to give my seat to her and she just grabbed me. I found it extremely uncomfortable because she called me Jonathan over and over again and held on with a tight grip. Her daughter explained to me that she has Alzheimer's disease and she doesn't remember her husband has been dead for years now. She forgets remembers and forgets again. So I sat down with her and listened to her until she had to leave on H Street. She had some amazing stories to tell about her youth. I guess she still remembered her childhood. Lucky for me, her daughter told her I'd meet her at home later. I really didn't like that, because what if she still remembers that... but, It just made me think what eternal hell was. It's not fire and brimstone. It's not the void. It's feeling pain over and over again. Like in her cause, reliving the fact that the one person she loves has died, over and over again. I can relate to that in a half sense. No matter how much people say words of comfort or even words of moving on, it doesn't help the grieving process move forward. Truthfully, these days, if I talk about that situation... There are mixed feelings on the subject. They look it at from an adult point of view with an impersonal understanding of the situation... I was in my Teens when that happened to me. I didn't turn to anyone for comfort. I didn't turn to my family. I just simply let it sink in.

I've been trying to spend more time with my father more lately. He's the wisest, most level headed and compassionate man I've ever known. In a sense, his love, moral behavior and strength is what I aspire for. No matter what the odds, he preservers. It truly is an honor to have him here in my life. Today, for instance, he shared with me some wisdom about my current situation in life. That advice actually made me feel like I'm not worthless. Like I am worth something.

Well, Facebookers, Ebloggers and Blogthis users, This is Steve... Signing off.

Long time...

First off, it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. I apologize to any friends that actually read it and don't have a Facebook to know whats going on in my life. I changed my Facebook preferences so only my friends will be able to visit this blog if they see the link on Facebook so that will prevent any strangeness if someone sees it who shouldn't. Well, things are pretty good. I started working with my passions, I'm nearly a graduate of the School of Technology in UEI. Things seem to be picking up in my life. Right now, I'm Externing at a county services center. It's a hard job with harsh consequences if I screw up working with the servers... but it's a great learning experience. Besides that lemme see... I'm studying for my A+ computer certs. I've also come to the conclusion that I'm going for my Cisco networking certifications eventually in the distant future. I'm going the distance. Who knows what the future may bring and the extra money could be helpful. Relationship wise, I'm doing better then ever. I've said this to her many times but she makes my heart glad... no matter how many challenges we face together and that will probably never change.

I've changed several things in my life that might disappoint people. Martial arts is turning into something that is dwindling in my life. I don't have the time to devote myself to it anymore. I mourn that fact but it's a fact never the less. I still can do the Kenpo, Wing Chun and Grappling but It'll probably fade from my mind like Night into day eventually... I've also gotten back into writing stories. I'm 3 chapters into a story called "The Gate." I'm also pondering another idea involving mysticism in the modern world. I also decided to start singing again since someone told me to hone that skill. I'm trying my hardest to be as decent as I was before in that respect but it's a challenge...

Well, Facebookers, Ebloggers and Blogthis users, This is Steve... Signing off. =)