Life is a tough cookie to eat sometimes...

Life isn't as easy as it used to be. I reflected like crazy last night in imperial beach. I stared at the waves for a few hours. Wandered around. Then when I took a final glance at the ocean. I realized something. Those waves and I aren't too different. Our lives are both Chaotic, churning, changing and being pulled around. It's also beautiful, wonderful and heartwarming. I started realizing that I am a foolish person. I bent my rules out of love, and changed. It didn't expect it, it just happened. I guess I'm not used to thinking this way... I'll adjust. I have to be like water and take my own advice. I have to adapt.

I'm gonna starting taking Cardio Boxing classes at Healthy Kicks. I need to start getting fit to my level of expectation.

New Events...

The fear of death isn't something that I normally have but it hit me hard on Thursday. There was a fight outside my house involving two kids. I nearly got stabbed trying to do the right thing. I think I got to handle situations better... When it happened I reacted on instict and hit him in the throat with the bridge of my hand and he went down like a oak tree in a fierce rainstorm... It was a bad mess after that. The agressive kid with the screwdriver took off when I was checking the other hurt kids for serious injury. I had to call the boys parents but they didn't speak English, lucky for me, the kid was able to talk.

Other then that, life has been good. I've been out and about doing things I haven't done in awhile and it's a plus. It makes me feel awesome. :).

For once, I took down my barriers for someone. I volunteerly removed the walls around my heart. I've never done that for anyone before, even for people I thought I loved... For once, I feel comfortable, safe, and real. There's no coming back from this feeling. It's like swimming in a warm ocean of warmth, hopes and security.

I did something today without flinching. Which tells me a lot... considering how the last few weeks have been for me. I was sitting on a bench preparing for the next test when a really pretty girl actually tried making conversation with me. She was training for a nurse here at UEI and was on her last module. Anyway, she asked my name, shook my hand tried to flatter me, then she asked me if we'd like to go out for some lunch at Fudruckers. I gave her an, "I'm sorry, I can't." without even hesitating... I just find it strange how life changes constantly. If this happened 3 weeks prior to holloween, I would never have said that. Which led me to this thought, "Life is a fast paced world... things change evolve and move forward. Sometimes, very quickly, It's how you react to those things that define you. There are many possibities in life. So, it's also how you move forward which determines where life takes you." I'm happy where I am... and I wouldn't change that for the world.

Circumstances have...

Circumstances have changed. I need to move forward at a quicker pace. I've decided to enroll in UEI to get a quick headstart to get out of Petco. It's only 8 months to graduate from there and they'll get me a job for my technician work. After that, I'm probably going to go to school and work to get a BA in networking or computer hardware design. :)

I've never trained so seriously lately. It's wierd. I'm pushing myself well beyond what I normally do. Dumbbell Squats, Dumbbell weight training, Jumping Squats, Bareknuckle pushups, and heavy cardio/shadow boxing. I feel alive. I have something and someone to protect now.

I've been training for broken rhythm lately. I gotta learn to change up my pace and rhythm so my opponent can't anticipate my movements...

Kensei

It's been...

It's been awhile but I'm back in action. My eye is healed up. My heart is great. And, I'm ready for action.

Lately life has been good. After my surgery everything has turned around on me. I'm starting to get stronger again. The stress of life is sorta becoming tolerable. I've been slowly getting back into working out. And, from there I hope to rejoin the martial arts community. I want to get back to it so badly. :)

I feel good. I mean real good. I almost feel like I can reach the stars and roundhouse kick the moon. I think personally it's a certain persons kind influence on me. I really enjoy her presence and I hope that continues.

Darkest Night has been put on hold. I've decided that my writing will have to wait until I get my life back to where it should be. I need to get on the road. I need to get to a comfortable position in life in general. So a better job and a more secure lifestyle.

I went to the DMV a few days ago and found no Driver's Manuals in English. I can finally get back on the road since I got my sight back and they don't have a damn booklet in english. :/. My dad warned me but I thought they had some more in stock by the time I got there a week later. They're excuse, "We only stock a few because of our region." So they only stock ones in spanish in quanities? WTF? LOL. I complained and left.

I was thinking of doing another set of Video Blogs? What do you guys think? Should I continue?

Well, I'd better crash. Nite Bloggers. :)

Steve

Walls, surgery thoughts, and a smigen of that thing called... Life.

It's funny... I've spent most of the day talking to someone I haven't seen in forever but she was always keeping tabs on me. It's good to know friends like that still exist, even if they are hundreds or thousands of miles away.

We talked about us, mainly... Walls, Barriers and just keeping people at arms length was a main point of conversation. Me and Sarah were both guilty of this. I more then she was in some ways. During a heavy part of my existance, I let no one in. In fact, I was pretty ruthless in my dealings with other people. I may have been a great fighter, a damn good street reader but I was an empty shell. I was weak. I didn't let people in at all. I was pushing people away and belittle them on what I though was a weakness but in fact was a great strength. I was pretty horrible. All because I was scared to get hurt again. I didn't want to go through all that horrible drama and the nightmares... but, I learned something at the end of that journey of building that wall around my heart. There is nothing at the end of that road. Nothing at all. Just sorrow. So I took a Uturn and now I'm just transversing the road less traveled. I just wish I knew that before I let most of life pass me by...

My day of destiny is on Tuesday. I'll be getting my left eye operated on and hopefully, it won't be too painful. Worried? Yeah, it's been bothering me. But I learned something awhile back after being sad over someone who kept pushing me away and stopped talking to me. You are in control of your own destiny and everything that is tied to that destiny(exluding other people, of course). If you feel like life is heading to hell, take a detour though Sunny happy land and fix it. 90% of what you feel emotionally can be repaired with time, or love and doesn't need to hurt so much. It's our own mortal trivial thinking that makes it hurt so much.

Well, life is good. I'm signing off.

Kensei

Thoughts...

Last night was a great night. It was Jamie's birthday. I let loose one last time before my big, getting ready for my operation in September thing. I really needed to hang out with those people again. I missed 'em.

My chinese Medicine diet and healthy diet has been working wonders on my skin. It's cleared up 90%. I only break out in extreme circumstances now. I have 3 forms of dermatitis. Imagine what this would do for someone with just Atopic Dermatitis or Seborrhoeic dermatitis. Regardless, I'm glad I stopped giving up and just attacked my condition in full force.

I might start dating again... but I might not. Things are much less complicated when you can save up money. The one thing that irks me about being single is being lonely. When Pat fell out of my life in 1997, everything was a mess. When I feel lonely, I almost relapse into that. Unfortunately, I think most girls I like and are attracted to, I just have zero luck with for various reasons I can't fix. It's like a homeless man looking into the window of a house and seeing a family socializing over a Christmas dinner in dead of winter. Yep, It's like Dickens novel...

Martial Arts has lately been the foremost on my mind lately. I was advised to quit by the eye specialist at the Retina clinic because of complications due to the surgery or some dribble like that. It's hard to quit. I keep saying I want to but truthfully, Martial Arts is one of the only things I'm passionate about. If you take away that, I only have Writing, love and family. :/

Well, those are my thoughts.

Kensei

Since last time...

Since last time, I've been working on several things. Surviving the terrible heat here in San Diego, putting together "Darkest Night," and I started a new regime of treatment for my health.

The heat here in SD has been terrible. It's been taking a toll on my health bigtime. Everyone close to me knows, I'm not good in the heat at all. My Skin inflammates and I end up looking like a giant tomato with legs. No joke. I blame it on a prior unhealthy lifestyle I chose during high school that promoted my skin condition to worsen... But anyway, this year things seem to leveling off. I might just pull through with less scarring. We'll see.

"Darkest Night," has to be completely redone. I was rereading through my manuscript or what I have done of it and I was dissappointed. I could write much better. I'm going to go with a new concept I came up with a week or so ago. I'm also going to pump my main character to be less flat and more dynamic. He was so so. More flat then dynamic. The scenery and fight scenes need to be fleshed out more too. More zest as a teacher of mine once said.

I started a Chinese Medicine and Vitamin regime last on tuesday and I have to say it's doing some noticable changes in me. I have more energy, my skin inflammation is going down and I'm feeling healthier. The sun still hurts though. I have to stay out of it as usual.

Martial Arts... I was actually advised by the first doctor I saw in Feb. to stop any full contact style if I'm thinking about it. I've been thinking It might be a good idea to stop for awhile and take a break from all that. I'm gonna continue my working out but I'm going to stop with my Martial Arts practicing for awhile. So Kensei is going into retirement again.

My life in particular right now, eh? It's in flux. I've been meditating day in and day out on my spare time to understand a particular kunumdrum that has washed up on the shores of my heart. I would normally talk to someone about it, but there is no one I feel would or could help me feel better about the situation... A mix of disappointment, hurt, sadness and pain. And I gotta figure out how to eject it for my soul.

Thats it for tonight, Tune in next time.

Kensei

Last week or so.... Mostly BS. I'll have to experience some good things to level myself out...

Normally, when life gives me lemons, I kill the lemon or just beat on it till it's formless. That is how I roll. Anywho, lately life has thrown so many lemons that I'm getting quite sour. LOLs.

Anywho, it's been another tour through 6 flags these last few days. So many rollercoasters in my life right now. It's almost like people are intentionally throwing pebbles into my pound and causing annoying ripples.

Lets go from latest to earliest on the biggies.


Lately, Star has gotten me pretty worried. I have a feeling that someone hurt her when she dissappeared those few weeks ago. Her lower back seems to be bothering her. Either that or she got hit by a car... She never wags her tail anymore. She always seems to be tired and barely comes when I tell her. =(.

A few days ago, my boss gave me a short imposing speech on how I should learn Spanish. His argument was that I look Mexican so I should speak the language. I believe thats complete utter bullshit. I believe that People who come across the border should learn the customs and language of the country that *They* are visiting on a frequent basis. And, if they don't they shouldn't bitch to me how I should know it because I'm Mexican. I'm frelling Filipino/American. I almost find it funny how stupid they feel when I tell them what nationality I am.

LOL. I was building a saltwater tank for a pair of Pistol Shrimp and a Goby but that bombed. One my skimmer was cracked so I had to throw that away. Two, a day after I got it running my Marineland filter's motor broke. =(. And three, my test kit was dry and empty. Bad luck... I blame that. LOL.

The last thing that has bothered me was that someone is actually trying to screw me on EBAY. I bought Windows 7 from a pretty decent star'd person and he is actually trying to swindle me. He never sent me my OS and took my money. So I opened a case against him and he's giving me BS about sending me a refund. Little does he know he has to comply with what is needed to do or else he loses his Ebay Storefront and his income therein.

Well, thats all the bullshit from the last few days. I got a few rays of light here and there.

My doctor is giving me a green light for surgery. I just need to consult with a surgeon on the 26th and things will be great. Probably by auguest or so I'll be able to see clearly again.

There is another ray of light but thats really REALLY personal... plus if I put it up here someone might annoy the situation and try to interfear again. It makes me happy though so I'm gonna sit through it.

Kensei

First post in awhile...

Well, it has been awhile. After my last little escapade down injury lane, I decided to take it easy and harness my internal martial arts and understand the nature of my chi, or Ki as you japanese practitioners like to call it. Regardless, I wanted to harness and understand my internal energies and the energies the body produces in movement. The strangest thing happened when I was practicing fa jing, or rather more appropriatedly, the one inch punch. I did more damage to my target when I focused and just let energy from my muscles naturally course through me rather then just twisting and snapping with my body as a whole. Somehow, my mind helped generate some strength. Maybe, I hold back on alot of my technique. I have to meditate on that concept.

Anywho, my working out and stuff has hit an iceburg. I've gotten smaller. LOLs. I bulked up quite abit but lost it when I got sick. Some of it was replaced with fat and that is just utter BS. I'm gonna have to jog it off... At least at the clinic for my checkup, I wieghted 148 or so. Thats about right, but I lost about 6 pounds somewhere.

Lets see... Non-Martial Arts and workout related mumbo jumbo...

Mixed Nuts Comics, the comic co. I edit for, got accepted into comic con this year... so that will be just awesome. =D I'm really proud of everyone thats apart of this little group. Everyone does what they need to do and Twitch really shows heart pushing it up a very steep slope. Great job goes out to him for that.

I got a new rig set up. It's just gaming rig but awesome never the less. It's a dual core but hell, it gets what I need done. When I need a Quad Core, I'll make one and rebuild this monster. The only draw back is the damaged 1Tb HD I was trying to fix, it's just too gone to save the OS on the drive. So right now, I just put my old HD in there and it's running like a beauty. Once I get windows 7 in the mail, probably in a about a week or so, It'll be great. Nothing makes you feel better then looking at something you built and realizing, "You just accomplished something, really good."

I decided to let Star sleep in my room at night now. She's so old and my family neglects her. She's a darling. She just sits there on her bed and watches whatever I'm doing. If I'm dosed on the 'B'(Benedryl) or the 'Z' Zyrtec, I play with her for abit. She's been really good about telling me when she has to go.

Sleep calls. Adios.

Kensei

Back in Action....

Sorry for the delay in my Blog Entries... For a few weeks there I was seriously injured. Nothing time couldn't fix though. I had a Degree 2 Muscle pull on my shoulder and an old Judo injury resurfaced at work in the way of a pinch nerve about a week after that. Sucked. But, I'm nearly all better now and back in action. Or rather, I'm back in Black.

So for the first time in weeks I started my Pushup, Pullup/Chinup, Makiwara, and Abs routine. I'm back to basics on Most of 'em since my strength is all messed up. Don't get me wrong I still punch pretty hard but my over strength pulling myself up and down on the bar is lacking something to desire. I need to just start from Ground Zero again.

Now to the topic of the Alabaster Princess... some of you may have seen the facebook status updates about her. She's a girl that keeps showing up every once and awhile at work. I don't know if she's doing it intentionally but she's been mildly flirting with me. Well, actually, I have to confess... I start it. She's sweet, fun and sassy. Not to mention beautiful. And, she has a Yorkie. =D. I wonder where all this flirting is going...

Well, in a few weeks, the effort to fix my eyes will become a reality. I will get rid of this aweful cataracts in my eyes once and for all. The county is helping me... I'll have to pay them back but fuck, who cares if I'm gonna get all better right? I'm going to my clinic interview hopefully in a few weeks to determine my operation date. Then after my operation, I'll take a few days off to recover... then after I get 100% I'm going to push myself harder like I should have done in the beginning. Objectives must be accomplished. First, Car. Second, New Job that fits my Computer software Major. And Third, I'm gonna take matter seriously with the opposite sex. Mostly, the third is possible but I can't really take girls out if I can't see them too well and drive them places can I? And, it's a big stress on the relationship if I'm an invalid. I'd rather not do that to someone...

Anywho, Thats about it, journal peeps. I'm back and better then ever...

Steve

Valuable Lesson...

I learned a valuable lesson, it's on par with look before you leap. So know what your hitting before you hit it. I nearly broke my elbow yesterday demonstrating a strike. Just because I thought it was a box of Dog Beds didn't mean it was. Actually it was fillled to the brim with Cattle Leg Bones and when I struck it, I really felt it, Oh boy. Lucky for me, I didn't strike it with my full force. LOL.

The Zone...

I realize something. I have truckloads of passion but there was something missing. During my thoughts and meditations while training I searched for it. What was missing. Whats so important that It's eluding me. What is one of the cornerstones of a successful martial artist. As I was going down the list and memories, One popped in my head in particular. I need to get in the Zone. That place where there is only me and my opponent. One could compare this with focus but Focus is just a part of it. I guess being in the zone could be compared with No-mindedness in a fight. When you fight de-attached and everything comes naturally and efficiantly. Time to train my mind harder. For this, I'm going to need to go back to a Dojo and spar someone strong and I mean strong. I mean at least a second degree blackbelt who's not rusty or knows his stuff extensively. It's not about winning or beating him, it's about taking apart conquering my own mind and impulses.

Last night....

Last night I actually had some really advice handed down to me. An old man gave me an old fighting tip he learned. "When your opponent expands, contract. When he contracts, expand. But, make things interesting when you're opponent expands by contracting and suddenly expanding. Hence, countering or making a sudden hostile movement. Sometimes, making the best offense is the best move for defense. And sometimes, the best defense is the best move for offense. When you get the hang of your own style, you'll understand the difference and when to do these things."

His philosophy reminded me of Bruce Lees contract and Expanding methodolody but simplified to the point of everyday yipper yap.

Damn... I saw the girl of my dreams yesterday. I hope she comes back. Even if she does like girls more then guys, she's easy on the eyes and really nice to talk to. She was so cute and seemed to like me abit too. Please be at least 18. Please be 18. *Sigh*

New stuff,,,

I'm doing something completely different now for training. From Midnight to 5am I am training since I don't sleep the night before overnight. Well, this is something I decided to do since I promised not to sit around if I could be making better use of my time.

12:00 - 1:00 ---- Basic physical activities. Squats, Pushups, situps and crunches
1:00 - 2:00 ----- Weights
30 Minute break (food and whatnot)
2:30 - 3:00 ---- Meditation and focus exercises
3:00 - 5:00 ---- Technical training and Makiwara board exercises

Quote of the day...

"Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion and the romance in a relationship.., and find out that you still care for that person."

Love is not only a feeling but a concept, something we do and something we live.

This is my Daily Video... People always ask me why I listen to this song over and over again. I could say because this song is beautiful. I could say that it has my dream Japanese girl in it. I could even say that I like the concept of the video. Though all of these is true, It's one of those, I don't have a real reason. My heart just feels better after listening to it. It's like yesterday. During the Minsok thing and after walking my friends to thier car, I needed to clear my head and the wolf in me wanted a run. So I ran. I ran to the Jack-in-a-box, around the block and back. It calmed me, made me feel better and gave me a sense of self furfillment. Furfillment in my soul of all things. Sometimes, these small things can become big things inside us that make a complete difference in our thinking and in our feelings. Not sure if this makes sense but meh, whatevers. =P

Favorite SHINee Vid...

Training Journal #2

Training Journal #2

I got one thing to say first, Screw Burpees. After 10 my wrists started that whole numbness sensation I got with normal pushups. So I tried doing them with a closed fist like I do with Karate pushups. It didn't work, I couldn't get enough lift, probably because my hands hurt from the Makiwara training. But, back to burpees, The last thing I want to do is damage my wrists so I can't use them for leading a counter for my opponents punch. So I'll hold off. Oh yeah, here's a lesson. If you do pushups, use push up bars or do them on your knuckles. It's bad for your wrist to support too much weight.

I'm punching this Makiwara board to death. There is a big gray spot on it from my punching. LOL. It's still firm but, WHOA. It looks like I'm actually putting alot of effort into this. My wounds are healing up nicely but I'm damaging my training by overdoing it. Gotta cut back. LOL.

Jumping squats are hard. I never thought it would be hard to do such an exercise. I'm having trouble keeping the pattern down. I'll just have to keep doing it until I get it right.

Stretching is a pain in the butt. My knee injury is definately getting in the way here. When try to stretch my leg, it refuses to cooperate.

Technique wise. I'm sticking to honing what I do know and restricting anymore techniques until I master what I know now. Master the quality of what I know rather then the quality.

Because I seriously damaged my wrists doing the burpees I moved Shinai conditioning to saturday before Jay's party.

Kensei

I like this song...

Poorly translated lyrics but nice never the less... =D

I'll always be by your side
I can hear your heartbeat
Today, tomorrow, at any time
There will be only one answer

Even if I can't see future
I think of you without hesitation

I Love You
I can't see anything but you
I want to tell you these feelings
I don't need words
Just smiling is enough
And one day the two of us
will make the world shining

In clear days, I spin once,
under the sky
In rainy days, I conceal it inside my chest,
the wish is changed into a song

Even if we are away from each other
Your voice is surely carried to me

I Love You
I send it only to you
A message from inside my heart
I don't have another
My eyes will continue to watch over you,
at any time
Exceeding time

Even if I can't see future
I think of you without hesitation

I Love You
I can't see anything but you
I want to tell you these feelings
I don't need words
Just smiling is enough
And one day the two of us
will make the world shining

Anywho, I was told I was too old fashioned again. I guess opening car doors for girls is out of style. LOL. I was brought up to do such things... It was proper. Well, I guess I gotta adjust and just do it for the girl of my dreams. Whomever she is...

Training...

I definately am going to warm up the Kyokushin way... It's so similar to my methods minus the splits, handstand and back arches...

Kyokushin Basic Training

You know what I dislike...

You know what I dislike... bullies. Even in this era, there are bullies out there. Yesterday at the trolley station, I witnessed something pretty messed up. A kid was being harassed by a group of punks. They were calling him, weak... a loser and even some vulgar things I can't say here. So got involved and told them to step off. I don't know if it's how I handled it but they left him alone and backed off. I was going to tell him to man up until I saw the bruises and cuts on him. Somethings are just too screwed up to man up against, at that current state, and I think it's ok to cry if you need to at certain times. I gave him some encouragement and I hope he gives me a call if he considers my offer. Even if he doesn't I referred him to someone who could...

Training is getting tedious. I can barely type on this keyboard. That board feels like I'm hitting a piece of concrete now. My fists look like red lumps of meat. Kinda makes me hungry. lol.

All this training is taking me back to training with Eric and some of the guys. The encouragement from them is flowing out even 5 years later. I gotta keep moving.

Kensei

Kensei

Some people always get my name confused... Of course, Kensei is referred to as a swordsmen. Someone who is a master of the sword. In Traditional Japanese, Kensei means literally, "Sword Saint." If you go to a different dialect of Japanese, meaning Okinawan... Ken literally means "Fist." So Kensei in Okinawan means, "Fist Saint or Saint of Fists." So thats my Kensei, The Okinawan meaning. The most ironic thing of all is that after that summer of calling myself Kensei an anime by the name of Kenichi, Histories Strongest Disciple came into view with two characters named Kensei. It sorta made me laugh. Why do all my nicknames have to be anime related? =P

But back to the Kensei topic... It's funny how this came along. I was training at the CKF one day around 2004, and a kid who Sifu let join us that day fought me. The kumite ended at 2 minutes and he won by a few unorthadox moves I've never seen before. Not to mention, he hit hard as if he wasn't wearing gloves. Anywho, we got to talking and he told me about his Goju-ryu Okinawan Karate background and how he admired my spark so he called me, Kensei, for my quick movements and the fact that I told him my views on violence... He never did come back to our studio again. Mostly because of he was looking for something less sporty. Pity since I liked him. He was pretty awesome.

Kensei

1st Training Journal....

I decided to write training entries to remind myself of my progress since I'm pretty forgetful. =P

Training Journal #1

Alright, I've done it. I've been hitting this Mariwaka board for two days straight or so and I busted my hands up pretty bad. It's a normal process but it hurts. LOL. I mean It's bleeding and everything. I guess using my Dit Dat Jow for Wing Chun and Choy Li Fut to deaden my hands before training helped me bypass my pain threshold.

Flexability wise, I need work. I'm going to buy a stretching machine to do full splits sooner or later.

Strength wise, I'm a heavy hitter until I get winded, I need to control my strength and increase my stamina via heavier cardio.

Energy wise, I've been able to control my Chi easier then when I was in Chinese Kenpo. Mostly because of mental conditioning I've been putting myself throuhgh. My punch and kicks have more snap and less hesistation and that is probably a side effect of my mental tweaking.

Body conditioning Via Shinai is working out well. I'm going to get Tucker to help me with heavier hits since I can only hit myself so hard with half the stick. The bruises from last session are already gone but some pain still lingers in my forearm.

Kensei

New Journal....

New Journal... Best not make the same mistakes with this one.

Today has been a riddling of putting up my new makiwara board, working with it and just general cleaning. Hopefully, the rain will let up tommarrow and monday so I can get some roadwork done and get my cardio in order.

So yeah, I've been staying off Facebook for awhile. It's a complete distraction and I have to recover emotionally and mentally from some experiences that were just too hard on me. Well, it's like they say, what doesn't kill you will make you stronger, right?

But, to tell you the truth, that phrase must be true. I feel a hell of alot better.

Kensei